*//_jUst Me__

2010-05-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

you know i dunno wtf is going on with u but its making me feel irritated and annoyed. i know you have your commitments and all but i am not a spare tire. u dun come running to me when you need me or when your commitment decides that he cant make it. stop making me feel desperate when all i want to do is talk to you. sometimes, i feel that once is enough. i dun think our friendship is that strong to go through this again. if u are pissed off at something, then tell me. dun act as if i dun exist or i am invisible, because news flash, maybe to you its a moment of instant gratification, but to me its a day of solid hard hurt. if u are that oblivious to everything else, maybe i should be oblivious to u to because fyi, it hurts. it hurts more than you can imagine. when i am with a problem, you are not there for me. you dun even fucking care anyway. even if i look for you to tell you, you cant be bothered yo listen. maybe its just because friends are sometimes really not for keeps.

i know that she has not been treating you stellar for this period of time and i have been receiving praises and everything. but hello, though it was nice for the first few like 2 times, its stressful ok. & the more you hear it, the more it sounds like a threat and an insult than a praise. have you ever thought what are the chances of me screwing up (like 99%) . i cant afford to screw up before, now i dun think i am even allowed to do so. if i dun get the ball in, i am considered to be doing something wrong. asking me to be offensive is like asking me to run when my asthma is coming. the chances are pretty damn low and probably happens only when i am desperate. i dun have the prerequisite for it and we all noe it. i dun want things to change because of it cuz trust me i feel ur helpless and angsty as u are. we are partners, so lets stay this way with our chemistry.

2010-05-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

lol i haven blogged for a long long time but i guess winning against ij has inspired a reflection from me about my life.

to me, doing things must have an aim.

and my aim is to do things to the best as long as i have decided to do it.

there are alot of things in the world that does not come with a choice, whether i like it or not (which is pretty sad by the way) and trying to avoid, ignore or run away from it doesnt help.

it just makes me more desperate in the end. probably the ij match was a tight slap across the face.

it just proves to me how hard work means everything and luck can also mean nothing.

maybe she is right, sometimes there are instances where you can be at own time own target.

ah ok, she is right. LOL

i dunno how useful this is going to be but lets hope this will be a lesson and a reminder

2009-12-30T07:02:00.000-08:00

原来孤独是可以习惯的
不许要任何人
只需要自己
就很快乐

我要的安静他给不了
我呼吸的旋律他跟不上
我活得空间他不能协调
我的世界他住不进

原来我是我的世界的唯一无
跟小王子的玫瑰花一样
注定孤单
习惯孤单

2009-12-13T03:46:00.000-08:00

i feel bare, naked and completely insecure.
& listening to 'in the arms of an angel' is making me feel suicidal all over again.
i was trying out this 宅女 thing at home because i feel that i needed a lot of time to think through. LOL the main focus was think through & not slack but lol let's accept the fact that its difficult to not slack when the environment is so good. haha!

one topic that has been weighing my mind lately was about luck and intelligence.
we always feel that we are not lucky enough and always want more. but upon deep consideration is that greed or just trying to push your luck. for example, i know i am always lucky, both in terms of intelligence and just pure luck. To simplify it, i would seriously swear that i have been slacking for the past 2 years. I lost interest in studying after sec3 because i could never even get a decent fail grade for physics and maths. i didnt care anymore after because i would swear and said i tried. but i got lucky, last minute studying which never serves it purpose other than consoling myself that 'hey, you cant complain that i didnt study' and to put up a 'i am so totally hardworking' show for my parents. they never seem to know nor care when my exams are so the every year 4 times show of random hardworking-ness actually boosted my image. i didnt study, but i passed and got promoted. I know of many who tried 3 or 4 months beforehand but either got the same results as me or didnt pass. i know its unfair but typical human instinct is demanding for more, moire luck that is. i am now not satisifed with just passing, i want to score flying colours, without lifting a hand. YES, that is how ridiculous i can get. HAHA! lol, ok.... but now it remains just a wishful thought. being a 宅女thing seriously helps wakes you up, though i think the side effects include the relunctantness to go outside or mingle with society.

i had this scary dream a few days ago when all my friends and family started leaving me. in this dream, i was alone and everyone turned their backs on me. my best guy friend betrayed me and the rest abandon me. but i seriously hope this wont happen in real life because i dont think i will be able to stand it.

in the arms of an angel, far away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endless that you feel
you were born from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of an angel
may you find some comfort here

2009-12-07T01:27:00.000-08:00

心中唯一能称得上是秘密的被揭开了
为什么一定要那么做呢？
不能睁一只眼闭一只眼吗？
原来我一直以来都是个透明人，
不能藏着任何秘密，
更不能拥有。
觉得自己已经不是自己
觉得心不能在痛了
不公平
知道又如何
为什么就不能够当做不知道，从来没有发生过
一定要让我那么痛不欲生吗？
你根本不了解我，你不拥有这样的权利。
原来没有自己真的很痛
原来藏秘密是要付出眼泪。

2009-10-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

i realized sitting in the library stoning over a cup of mocha and talking to my aunt helps alot.

i got back my ip cert and my 09 report card on the same week and experience some stuff with op which kind of jolted me back to reality.

my ip cert shows a stark CONTRAST from my 09report card. and it kind of hit me that the only thing i can be proud of was something that happened in the past. yet, i really didnt want to turn into some sentimental person that only goes around and keep saying" do you know that in the past i have a gpa of 3.9" because seriously, who is interested in knowing that when you cant even make it in the present. i remember in sec 4 when the thing i had to worry after exams was not whether i could pass but whether i had that A. which sounds pretty ironic now when all i constantly worry about is whether i would get retained. i guess i kind of overestimated myself. people kept telling me i was clever and i kind of got abit big headed i guess.

i desperately wanted to prove that little inch of cleverness i had until finally when i was sitting down and staring at the rain, i realized that that inch of cleverness was nothing without without hard work. NOTHING. & i thought whether is was really impt to know what i want for my future. & i realized that if i had nothing for the present, there was really NOTHING about my future too. it didnt matter whether i knew what job i was going to be, what course i was going to take, nothing was more impt about the present & if i kept living in that little dream that depended on my future, i was really not going to have any, future i mean.

i dont deny i am a proud person and to some extent arrogant. i flaunt whatever i can get my hands on. until recently, i found out i have nothing to flaunt about. probably only miss sit & reach which wasnt any good material to flaunt about anyway. who wants to know about a girl who can stretch. it seems like i was pulling my life to hell and being fully aware of it. and i have no idea which was worse.

pw made me kind of defeated and beaten. its like doing something so well for the past year only to realize at the crucial moment that you got everything wrong. i thought pw was going to be my pride. i thought i was able to sail through it with ease. i didnt really realize how arrogant i have sounded until i typed it out but yes i sound arrogant. but still, getting beaten by pw is like zong guo getting beaten by studies. which sounds wrong but equally devasting. my life feels like its in shambles and my world has just went crashing down. big hit on my ego and definitely on my confidence. this defeat seems to have left me empty handed, with no hope for revival nor anything left behind for morale boost. but i guess defeats were meant to leave u with nothing to make you stronger because the fact that you managed to stand up amongst nothing made you one a kind. i think i just need a couple more mochas and a couple more rain to rethink this lost war and how to make this lost war a won one.

things i gained from thinking today:
there are some people in the world who wished hard there were extraodinary, yet there are many who wished there were just ordinary

a mother told her autistic kid " i wished that you will go before me"

2009-09-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel that it doesnt help to be kind.
especially when after you have done so ppl walk over your heart and your kindness and treat them as dirt just because they have better things to look out for. so our warnings that lasted for 3 hours were useless. apparently, walking over our hearts has been something you are quite accustomed to. do not ask me not to be pissed or mad because as you have bloody known me for so long, i do not treat ppl who take things for granted lightly. maybe things werent very clear at when i warned you, but if you have already decided to walk the road alone, REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO THROW US OF IT. do not bloody come begging to me for forgiveness because i am so not going to care about you anymore. 你走你的阳光道，我走我的独木桥。 so from the moment you have decided to turn your back against us, i am sorry, but i have turned mine against yours too.
Live your own happy life then.

2009-07-09T07:39:00.001-07:00

i take alot of effort in convincing myself you are sitll with me
probably you arnt anymore
but it doesnt really matter does it?
after all life is all about lies.
sometimes untruths can sound so much like truths after abit more convincing.
a worthless stupid miserable clown.
maybe thats all i ever am in my one character drama serial life

2009-06-21T05:09:00.000-07:00

读了梦三生的书，感触还真是良多。
何谓红颜，何谓祸水。为爱执著却背负了祸水之名。原来太过于执著是会造成无法避免的灾害啊！
在笑倾三国里，笑笑爱上曹操。曹操却以天下为重，何为锥心之痛为轻。明明爱她却无法说出口。直到她在他的怀里化为烟慢慢消失，才懂得如何珍惜。即使早先未雨绸缪，预备了离心扣，却还是无法挽留那笑靥如花的女子。曹操说她永远逃不出他的手掌心，天涯海角，上天入地，他都能把她找回来。但她却逃到他永远都去不了的地方，即使称霸天下，权势在手，也到不了的地方。她对他说过，溺水三千，唯取一瓢饮。她不想当他众多夫人之一，不想只能夺得分了七八块的爱，更不想当别人的影子，以取乐他为目标。她要的只是他完整的爱，但她知道他给不了。到了最后，那一句‘我爱你’来得太迟了，太晚了。

我假装清醒看清你的心
终于我选择了离去

2009-06-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

haha i am bored so i will introduce my most <3 ppl from POT
from seigaku:

1. Ryoma Echizen also known as the prince or "ochibi"(kid)
he is the main character and is bloody cute with his catch phrase "mada mada dane"!! & he has freaking good skills! he is the one in the middle, bottom row.

2. Kunimitsu Tezuka
captain of the seigaku team and is always expressionless!
he is the one with specs and golden brown hair.

3. Shusuke Fuji
he is freaking cool!!! and gentle and cute!!! haha, also knowm as the teddy bear. he has very nice ice blue eyes that can only be seen when he is serious or angry!
he is the one behind ryoma in front of tezuka!

4. Keigo Atobe
also known as the KING of Hyotei( the person on top of a 200 people tennis club) and narcissit
this guy is the bloody zi lian guy i have talked about!!! he lost a match with ryoma and was supposed to shave but in the end only have shorter hair only, not fun de!
he has purple hair and has a mole under his eye.

5.Takahisa Kajimoto
captain of Josei Shonan Middle school
WAH!! isnt he cute! actually i never really go see how he play but oh my, he is shuai! haha

6. Akaya Kirihara
also known as the devil because his eyes and skin will become red with his hair becoming white when on court. pretty scary guy and super strong. from rikkaidai, the school of emperors. also known as little seaweed because his hair looks like it!

7.Kuranosuke Shiraishi captain of Shitenhoji Middle School
he has this wierd bandage thing on his left hand which i dunno for what but it is often used to scared this wild freshman to listen to him in his team!

lol... still got alot more but i damn lazy to go search!

2009-06-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

haha so long never update le...
watched prince of tennis (or as sherry found it so amusing:POT) like mad for the hols (around 100 plus episodes)
& although some may say its a waste of time, i found that it was quite enriching.
seeing them play tennis as if it was their life made me jealous because they know their own future and they plan their own future. they already have a specific goal to work to not like me. i dont even know what i am studying for. all i know that studying is a stepping stone to? the As? i dont think so. yet i dunno what lies at the end of the tunnel and it is starting to get to me. there is no longer that motivation anymore and i really dont see the point studying. also to see them excel in a sport is also one of my dreams. i have never wanted to be a jack of all trades cuz i prefer to be a master in one. yet, that doesnt seem very successful. table tennis, ballet even floorball... i dont even know what is really what i want.
LOL of cause after all this deep thinking, the main point is shuai ges!! haha i guess a leopard will never change its spots even after all the emo stuff! tezuka is so shaui!!! ryoma is cute. & OMG i just love fuji fuji fuji! haha and those from other schools also very shuai!!! ATOBE IS BLOODY FARNIE! 沉醉在本大爷华丽的技术里吧！HAHAHA!!! he is so zi lian its amusing!

2009-05-18T08:24:00.001-07:00

today was just another boring day at school.
we played softball for pe. its ok.
we had chem prac which have me sleeping half the time. but its ok too.
i think the only farnie part came when we were walking to the bus stop.
i said bye to victor. & victor the lame ass ignored me for a full 10 secs, before spastically turning around and said bye back. & rousi was totally hit him hit him!!! haha! & i took my stick and attempt to hit his ass before leaving and throwing this sentence :'do not agitate a woman with a stick!' haha! i think that was pretty farnie. other than that, have been sleeping since the moment i reached home which was 4 plus & have just woken up.
so thats all to my boring life.

is it merely illusions or something that we have been desperately trying to hold onto when it is obviously frailing apart?

2009-05-16T05:03:00.000-07:00

its really unfair isnt it?
makes me feel inferior & all that shit.
i really hate myself sometimes.
coward, loser, pathetic freak.
its not over isnt it.

2009-05-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

today was supposed to be a good day... because after the end of chemistry test, i received news that we had no pw lesson cuz apparatenly the teacher has to go pluck his wisdom tooth (LOL this sounds wierd) XP so it was supposed to be damn cool cuz we get t o be let off like 40mins (free period) + 1h20min = 2 hrs earlier. but all of us were very 'guai' people & we ended up at the library trying to figure out gpp. then in came ms tan and she ask us all to go to physic lab. we had to get back our physic test which was like damn shocker cuz we just had the test. & well, i failed as expected. was very disappointed in myself after she went through because the paper was very easy. ): BLEAH ANGRY!
then we had pt. & we ended up doing beep test which we started complaining incessantly until it took place and we realise it was actually quite fun. ROFL. then we did PUSHING which was fun. SHARMAN pushes HARD even though she is small. THUMBS UP TO HER!!! & we did the famous wenyi grab boobs run and did situps and crunches. pt was quite ok cuz i didnt really feel tired, surprisingly i felt quite energetic!
anyway, i had the most traumatic day of my life!!! thanks to wenyi and yueniang who felt compelled to molest me every chance they had -.- seriously, wierd.
after that went to eat with yueniang, sherry and michelle joined us after that at queens (mac). wanted to check out ankle weight price but they eat so slow and talk so long in the end no time le -.- but i got a free treat of MILO MCFLURRY from sherry though!!! XP
& phyllis was just gushing to me about amazing race & her dream to join it in the future. LOL even though i think amazing race is pretty lame, i will join you in the future LOL :)
& here is 2 pictures of KIM BUM for LAU:

aint his dimples just so cute. he is such a pretty baby face guy haha!!! <3 <3

2009-05-14T07:57:00.000-07:00

taking a break from chem. shall blog about what happen yesterday.
yesterday we had training!!! the training that i was so hum ji about after the IJ match.haha, but it was quite fun. we played 3 on 3 and gave ourselves stupid team names like the little nonyas, pikachu. i think our team most sensible le. we are THE POWERSHOT!! haha. then stella still say we no creativity, her team name called SURE WIN -.- LOL so creative la!!! & she was BLOODY CUTE!! she keeps smiling from ear to ear whenever she score in a goal & then when zhenxi showed her the photo of her smiling she was like,"why am i smiling ah?" HAHAHA! & she treated us to drinks & we had this damn nice and farnie talk. jaslin gave her our blog url which scared the daylights out of us cuz you know... we kind of like talk loads of crap about her on our tagboard. for e.g i said i was married, and stella chia is damn cute! so we all decided to mass spam the board before she sees it!!! we are a bunch of farnie ppl.
anyway, i flunked my physics test. i felt pretty sore after that, but i didnt feel like crying which means that i really already did my best le. so i guess if the results come back i will probably take it with a very very very very very OPEN HEART!
tomorrow is chem, i know i finished going through the notes, but i dont feel confident enough to say i am prepared so i will continue mugging and cross my fingers. even though i really wanted to give up this paper cuz i felt really tired from physics.
LOOKING FORWARD TO TOMORROW!!! PT BABES! (:

2009-05-12T09:16:00.001-07:00

YO PPL! lol i know i am half insane posting when there is physic test tomorrow but sian... i study physics until my brain juices wanna flow out of my nose le. i just hope its enough to pass, i know i should have higher expectations but toally no mood to study.
LOL and the pro me went blog hopping AGAIN. & i found out (i think so) why they say priscilla laugh when she saw me fall during the MI match. *its the one when i just fell when i hitting the board shot LOL* i saw this video link and apparently one of her team mates did exactly the same thing while doing a free hit, i think she trip over her own legs ROFL haha!!! XP so farnie lar... i bet she was laughing to herself when she stood up just like me! & stella was so cute in the video haha!!
today waited for sherry goh for 1 hour plus with my gastric juices bubbling in protest and threatening to dissolve my stomach in the school canteen with yueniang, clarine, sharman and michelle. we totally waited until we almost died. then we went to eat SUPERDOG and they ate their BEARD PAPA too! superdog is nice esp the java chip drink! SLURP & YUMMS! :) then they started joking around like they always do and all of us keep bursting into fits of giggles. A DAY WITH FLOORBALLERS MAKES THE DAY SHINE! haha... always so happy after going out with floorballers.
well... enough of procrastinating i guess, & back to phsyics i go!

2009-05-11T04:07:00.001-07:00

its a new blog ppl!!!
haha, rvfbt blog has spurred me to open a new blog prior to my dead one. even though surprisingly my tagboard has been "quite" active.
missed stella's match on sunday & still quite sore about it. WOO YUETING (yueniang)!! y never call us ah!!! JASLIN TEY also.
yueting: wah you thinkn you captain don't need tell us le ah!!! haha jkjk ppl
anyway let me introduce my new love for this year:

ain't he just so cute and handsome!!! WAHAHAH!
HE IS:
KIM XIAN ZHONG
i know this name sounds weird, so let's just call him KIM!!!
he is the korean version RUI! (meaning: he is the cute,queit,sensitive,charming guy.) (:
& i now pronounced him & me HUSBAND AND WIFE!!!
so now, just call me KIM!!

anyway i found another new <3

the "pro" me, quoted from sherry has found a pic of NO 99 & NO 1. i declare them the most shuai floorballers ever. haha. NO 99 is my <3. sherry can have NO1, see how nice i am!!!
but dun worry yueniang, you are also shuai in your own way!!

LOL. suppose to be studying for chem and physics test which i really tried hard to but apparently failed. nothing goes into this useless mind of mine (WOAH I RHYME). & i studied like the whole day & all i have done is chemical bonding, & no, i cannot say i 100% mastered the subject.
now i found rvfbt, i realise studyiing isnt everything. KIM <3, RVFBT, NO99/1 and perhaps a teensy weensy bit of studying is EVERYTHING!

*//_____jUst Me______

*//_jUst Me__