Saturday, May 15, 2010
you know i dunno wtf is going on with u but its making me feel irritated and annoyed. i know you have your commitments and all but i am not a spare tire. u dun come running to me when you need me or when your commitment decides that he cant make it. stop making me feel desperate when all i want to do is talk to you. sometimes, i feel that once is enough. i dun think our friendship is that strong to go through this again. if u are pissed off at something, then tell me. dun act as if i dun exist or i am invisible, because news flash, maybe to you its a moment of instant gratification, but to me its a day of solid hard hurt. if u are that oblivious to everything else, maybe i should be oblivious to u to because fyi, it hurts. it hurts more than you can imagine. when i am with a problem, you are not there for me. you dun even fucking care anyway. even if i look for you to tell you, you cant be bothered yo listen. maybe its just because friends are sometimes really not for keeps.
i know that she has not been treating you stellar for this period of time and i have been receiving praises and everything. but hello, though it was nice for the first few like 2 times, its stressful ok. & the more you hear it, the more it sounds like a threat and an insult than a praise. have you ever thought what are the chances of me screwing up (like 99%) . i cant afford to screw up before, now i dun think i am even allowed to do so. if i dun get the ball in, i am considered to be doing something wrong. asking me to be offensive is like asking me to run when my asthma is coming. the chances are pretty damn low and probably happens only when i am desperate. i dun have the prerequisite for it and we all noe it. i dun want things to change because of it cuz trust me i feel ur helpless and angsty as u are. we are partners, so lets stay this way with our chemistry.
Posted @ 5:28 AMFriday, May 07, 2010
lol i haven blogged for a long long time but i guess winning against ij has inspired a reflection from me about my life.
to me, doing things must have an aim.
and my aim is to do things to the best as long as i have decided to do it.
there are alot of things in the world that does not come with a choice, whether i like it or not (which is pretty sad by the way) and trying to avoid, ignore or run away from it doesnt help.
it just makes me more desperate in the end. probably the ij match was a tight slap across the face.
it just proves to me how hard work means everything and luck can also mean nothing.
maybe she is right, sometimes there are instances where you can be at own time own target.
ah ok, she is right. LOL
i dunno how useful this is going to be but lets hope this will be a lesson and a reminder
Posted @ 6:36 AMWednesday, December 30, 2009
原来孤独是可以习惯的
不许要任何人
只需要自己
就很快乐
我要的安静他给不了
我呼吸的旋律他跟不上
我活得空间他不能协调
我的世界他住不进
原来我是我的世界的唯一无
跟小王子的玫瑰花一样
注定孤单
习惯孤单
Posted @ 7:02 AMSunday, December 13, 2009
i feel bare, naked and completely insecure.
& listening to 'in the arms of an angel' is making me feel suicidal all over again.
i was trying out this 宅女 thing at home because i feel that i needed a lot of time to think through. LOL the main focus was think through & not slack but lol let's accept the fact that its difficult to not slack when the environment is so good. haha!
one topic that has been weighing my mind lately was about luck and intelligence.
we always feel that we are not lucky enough and always want more. but upon deep consideration is that greed or just trying to push your luck. for example, i know i am always lucky, both in terms of intelligence and just pure luck. To simplify it, i would seriously swear that i have been slacking for the past 2 years. I lost interest in studying after sec3 because i could never even get a decent fail grade for physics and maths. i didnt care anymore after because i would swear and said i tried. but i got lucky, last minute studying which never serves it purpose other than consoling myself that 'hey, you cant complain that i didnt study' and to put up a 'i am so totally hardworking' show for my parents. they never seem to know nor care when my exams are so the every year 4 times show of random hardworking-ness actually boosted my image. i didnt study, but i passed and got promoted. I know of many who tried 3 or 4 months beforehand but either got the same results as me or didnt pass. i know its unfair but typical human instinct is demanding for more, moire luck that is. i am now not satisifed with just passing, i want to score flying colours, without lifting a hand. YES, that is how ridiculous i can get. HAHA! lol, ok.... but now it remains just a wishful thought. being a 宅女thing seriously helps wakes you up, though i think the side effects include the relunctantness to go outside or mingle with society.
i had this scary dream a few days ago when all my friends and family started leaving me. in this dream, i was alone and everyone turned their backs on me. my best guy friend betrayed me and the rest abandon me. but i seriously hope this wont happen in real life because i dont think i will be able to stand it.
in the arms of an angel, far away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endless that you feel
you were born from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of an angel
may you find some comfort here
Posted @ 3:46 AMMonday, December 07, 2009
心中唯一能称得上是秘密的被揭开了
为什么一定要那么做呢？
不能睁一只眼闭一只眼吗？
原来我一直以来都是个透明人，
不能藏着任何秘密，
更不能拥有。
觉得自己已经不是自己
觉得心不能在痛了
不公平
知道又如何
为什么就不能够当做不知道， 从来没有发生过
一定要让我那么痛不欲生吗？
你根本不了解我，你不拥有这样的权利。
原来没有自己 真的很痛
原来藏秘密是要付出眼泪。
Posted @ 1:27 AMFriday, October 16, 2009
i realized sitting in the library stoning over a cup of mocha and talking to my aunt helps alot.
i got back my ip cert and my 09 report card on the same week and experience some stuff with op which kind of jolted me back to reality.
my ip cert shows a stark CONTRAST from my 09report card. and it kind of hit me that the only thing i can be proud of was something that happened in the past. yet, i really didnt want to turn into some sentimental person that only goes around and keep saying" do you know that in the past i have a gpa of 3.9" because seriously, who is interested in knowing that when you cant even make it in the present. i remember in sec 4 when the thing i had to worry after exams was not whether i could pass but whether i had that A. which sounds pretty ironic now when all i constantly worry about is whether i would get retained. i guess i kind of overestimated myself. people kept telling me i was clever and i kind of got abit big headed i guess.
i desperately wanted to prove that little inch of cleverness i had until finally when i was sitting down and staring at the rain, i realized that that inch of cleverness was nothing without without hard work. NOTHING. & i thought whether is was really impt to know what i want for my future. & i realized that if i had nothing for the present, there was really NOTHING about my future too. it didnt matter whether i knew what job i was going to be, what course i was going to take, nothing was more impt about the present & if i kept living in that little dream that depended on my future, i was really not going to have any, future i mean.
i dont deny i am a proud person and to some extent arrogant. i flaunt whatever i can get my hands on. until recently, i found out i have nothing to flaunt about. probably only miss sit & reach which wasnt any good material to flaunt about anyway. who wants to know about a girl who can stretch. it seems like i was pulling my life to hell and being fully aware of it. and i have no idea which was worse.
pw made me kind of defeated and beaten. its like doing something so well for the past year only to realize at the crucial moment that you got everything wrong. i thought pw was going to be my pride. i thought i was able to sail through it with ease. i didnt really realize how arrogant i have sounded until i typed it out but yes i sound arrogant. but still, getting beaten by pw is like zong guo getting beaten by studies. which sounds wrong but equally devasting. my life feels like its in shambles and my world has just went crashing down. big hit on my ego and definitely on my confidence. this defeat seems to have left me empty handed, with no hope for revival nor anything left behind for morale boost. but i guess defeats were meant to leave u with nothing to make you stronger because the fact that you managed to stand up amongst nothing made you one a kind. i think i just need a couple more mochas and a couple more rain to rethink this lost war and how to make this lost war a won one.
things i gained from thinking today:
there are some people in the world who wished hard there were extraodinary, yet there are many who wished there were just ordinary
a mother told her autistic kid " i wished that you will go before me"
Posted @ 9:43 AMThursday, September 10, 2009
sometimes i feel that it doesnt help to be kind.
especially when after you have done so ppl walk over your heart and your kindness and treat them as dirt just because they have better things to look out for. so our warnings that lasted for 3 hours were useless. apparently, walking over our hearts has been something you are quite accustomed to. do not ask me not to be pissed or mad because as you have bloody known me for so long, i do not treat ppl who take things for granted lightly. maybe things werent very clear at when i warned you, but if you have already decided to walk the road alone, REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO THROW US OF IT. do not bloody come begging to me for forgiveness because i am so not going to care about you anymore. 你走你的阳光道，我走我的独木桥。 so from the moment you have decided to turn your back against us, i am sorry, but i have turned mine against yours too.
Live your own happy life then.
Posted @ 11:01 PM
