i realized sitting in the library stoning over a cup of mocha and talking to my aunt helps alot.

i got back my ip cert and my 09 report card on the same week and experience some stuff with op which kind of jolted me back to reality.

my ip cert shows a stark CONTRAST from my 09report card. and it kind of hit me that the only thing i can be proud of was something that happened in the past. yet, i really didnt want to turn into some sentimental person that only goes around and keep saying" do you know that in the past i have a gpa of 3.9" because seriously, who is interested in knowing that when you cant even make it in the present. i remember in sec 4 when the thing i had to worry after exams was not whether i could pass but whether i had that A. which sounds pretty ironic now when all i constantly worry about is whether i would get retained. i guess i kind of overestimated myself. people kept telling me i was clever and i kind of got abit big headed i guess.

i desperately wanted to prove that little inch of cleverness i had until finally when i was sitting down and staring at the rain, i realized that that inch of cleverness was nothing without without hard work. NOTHING. & i thought whether is was really impt to know what i want for my future. & i realized that if i had nothing for the present, there was really NOTHING about my future too. it didnt matter whether i knew what job i was going to be, what course i was going to take, nothing was more impt about the present & if i kept living in that little dream that depended on my future, i was really not going to have any, future i mean.

i dont deny i am a proud person and to some extent arrogant. i flaunt whatever i can get my hands on. until recently, i found out i have nothing to flaunt about. probably only miss sit & reach which wasnt any good material to flaunt about anyway. who wants to know about a girl who can stretch. it seems like i was pulling my life to hell and being fully aware of it. and i have no idea which was worse.

pw made me kind of defeated and beaten. its like doing something so well for the past year only to realize at the crucial moment that you got everything wrong. i thought pw was going to be my pride. i thought i was able to sail through it with ease. i didnt really realize how arrogant i have sounded until i typed it out but yes i sound arrogant. but still, getting beaten by pw is like zong guo getting beaten by studies. which sounds wrong but equally devasting. my life feels like its in shambles and my world has just went crashing down. big hit on my ego and definitely on my confidence. this defeat seems to have left me empty handed, with no hope for revival nor anything left behind for morale boost. but i guess defeats were meant to leave u with nothing to make you stronger because the fact that you managed to stand up amongst nothing made you one a kind. i think i just need a couple more mochas and a couple more rain to rethink this lost war and how to make this lost war a won one.

things i gained from thinking today:
there are some people in the world who wished hard there were extraodinary, yet there are many who wished there were just ordinary

a mother told her autistic kid " i wished that you will go before me"Posted @ 9:43 AM