i feel bare, naked and completely insecure.
& listening to 'in the arms of an angel' is making me feel suicidal all over again.
i was trying out this 宅女 thing at home because i feel that i needed a lot of time to think through. LOL the main focus was think through & not slack but lol let's accept the fact that its difficult to not slack when the environment is so good. haha!

one topic that has been weighing my mind lately was about luck and intelligence.
we always feel that we are not lucky enough and always want more. but upon deep consideration is that greed or just trying to push your luck. for example, i know i am always lucky, both in terms of intelligence and just pure luck. To simplify it, i would seriously swear that i have been slacking for the past 2 years. I lost interest in studying after sec3 because i could never even get a decent fail grade for physics and maths. i didnt care anymore after because i would swear and said i tried. but i got lucky, last minute studying which never serves it purpose other than consoling myself that 'hey, you cant complain that i didnt study' and to put up a 'i am so totally hardworking' show for my parents. they never seem to know nor care when my exams are so the every year 4 times show of random hardworking-ness actually boosted my image. i didnt study, but i passed and got promoted. I know of many who tried 3 or 4 months beforehand but either got the same results as me or didnt pass. i know its unfair but typical human instinct is demanding for more, moire luck that is. i am now not satisifed with just passing, i want to score flying colours, without lifting a hand. YES, that is how ridiculous i can get. HAHA! lol, ok.... but now it remains just a wishful thought. being a 宅女thing seriously helps wakes you up, though i think the side effects include the relunctantness to go outside or mingle with society.

i had this scary dream a few days ago when all my friends and family started leaving me. in this dream, i was alone and everyone turned their backs on me. my best guy friend betrayed me and the rest abandon me. but i seriously hope this wont happen in real life because i dont think i will be able to stand it.

in the arms of an angel, far away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endless that you feel
you were born from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of an angel
may you find some comfort here
Posted @ 3:46 AM